I am not one for public displays of faith. I am also not someone who prays a lot. I know I should, it’s part of my faith, but for some reason I have been struggling with it recently, and by recently I mean like a year.
I am at the end of my rope. I am so emotionally exhausted that I don’t know where else to turn. I know that He shouldn’t be my last refuge but rather, my first. How easily we believe that we can handle it all, we can handle life and all of its stresses. I cannot handle it right now – and ‘right now’ isn’t even that stressful. That is maybe what makes this the most difficult – the feeling of helplessness in the face of nothing. My work isn’t in a particularly stressful stretch right now – three weeks till break every one keeps saying. Three weeks that seem like an eternity. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel today. My home life isn’t stressful – I have a wonderful husband and two positively gorgeous kitties. I have no reason for stress there. I have managed to not let go with of my exercising, even during the busy stretch at work. And, even though I have my slip-ups (I HATE staff meeting treats combined with no will power) I have managed to maintain my eating habits for the most part.
I have no great excuse and maybe that is what makes me the most concerned. How can I feel this weak, this powerless, this sense of impending doom and exhaustion when there are no major stressors in my life at this moment. My house is clean, the bank account isn’t empty, nobody is ill – and yet I still feel like that kid in Peanuts, the one with the storm cloud over him…
And so I pray. I pray to God for peace and a sense of calm. I pray that tomorrow I wake up with the positive outlook that I had hoped for today. I pray that I might have patience and compassion and love and light and all those wonderful qualities as I walk through the doors at school. I pray that I might have the strength in my to get through these days, which for whatever reason seem so heavy and difficult right now. I feel ridiculous asking for these things when there seems to be nothing wrong in my life. I feel ungrateful for the amazing things I do have. I feel like even though I can see them all and appreciate them all, somehow they are not enough to get me through this storm, whatever this storm may be. But He is enough. That is all I need to remember.