Some days I feel like 24 hours isn’t enough time. Actually, let’s be honest. I feel like that most days.
In January when Iron Man and I set out to live healthier lives we decided that we needed to re-prioritize our lives. If living healthy lives was our focus then we needed to cut some stuff out. So the house isn’t always clean. I mean, it’s always clean when people come over, but otherwise, not so much. And sometimes we put our school work (which for us is work work) aside and remember that there will always be work to do but that we need to go to the gym or cook a good meal or sleep a good 8 hours (which really is never actually 8 hours, usually we are lucky to get in 7, often only getting 6).
And in September, after a summer of mostly ignoring our goals we re-prioritized again, especially because Iron Man is really determined to gain muscle before the next rugby season. I also really needed to lose the 9 lbs I put back on during the summer. And so, again, we decided that certain things go on the back burner in order to reach our goals.
But I feel guilty all the time. I feel badly because the house is a mess. I feel like a bad teacher because I can never seem to keep up with my work. I feel like a bad wife because I am always so tired and all I want to do when I get home is go to sleep. I feel like a bad coach because I have become resentful of the time that coaching eats up. I feel like a bad friend because there are people I wish I had more time for, that I wish I saw more.
I know I shouldn’t feel guilty but I do because sometimes our goals seem vain. I mean really, part of my reason for living a healthy life is to look good. That isn’t all of it though. A lot of it has to do with my mom. I live in fear of dying as young as she did. I fear that my health will fail me as hers did her. And then there’s being a parent. I want to be healthy so I can be a good parent, a parent that has healthy children and that can model that. A parent who can participate in stuff with their kids.
But it still feels vain at times, because right now we don’t have kids, and I am not old enough yet where I really feel the threat of death. I know that being proactive is good but I wonder if people who know me think that I am vain, that I am doing this just to ‘look good’. It isn’t just that but I can’t deny how good that part of it feels. I have never been someone who considered herself to be ‘pretty’ and I have almost always struggled with my weight. It takes a lot for me to look in the mirror and like what I see in the reflection. And so, this seems worth it, it seems like I deserve it. But it still seems selfish sometimes.
This weekend I feel selfish. I feel like I don’t have enough time. I feel like for the next three or four weeks I will feel that way and I am trying to prepare myself for it mentally. I am already so tired. I can’t imagine what I will feel like a month from now. But I know that I can’t let my goals out of sight. I can’t let myself get overwhelmed to the point where I stop eating well or exercising. The house can be a mess. The marking can wait. But my health can’t.
Now that I have put that into words I have to stick to it. Or at least, that’s my purpose for writing it, so that I feel compelled to not fail.