The Path is Long…

I *think* I am on some kind of journey. As in, life is a journey. And I am living life?

Sigh. How pedantic.

I don’t quite know where I am in the whole process anymore.

I am not losing weight. For the most part I am not gaining weight.

I am not eating clean but I would also not describe my eating habits as ‘dirty’ either.

I am exercising but not as variedly as before (pretty much just hot yoga these days, with a personal training session every two weeks).

So I am not doing ‘nothing’ but I am not following ‘the plan’ either. Is that wrong? Will the world explode?  What will happen if I eat a few processed meals? If I don’t get down to 150lbs? or 145lbs? If I don’t do a really heavy squat for a little while?

I know nothing will really happen. I won’t me reaching my goals any time soon. I get that. But maybe I need to readjust them (?) or just take longer getting there (?) or accept that I need to get my ass back in gear and get back on track (?).

I don’t know which answer is the right answer. I feel as though I am ignoring it all right now. I am not putting on any significant weight, I teeter around 154lbs most days. That’s fine, it’s in my comfort zone (while still being 9lbs away from my goal! – and then I think about how it’s only 9 lbs!).

So for now, I sit here, in a holding pattern, until I get my act together.

 

 

 

On/Off

I only function in two modes…On.  and Off.  Or maybe, Parked and Drive?  

Honestly, I don’t have any other gears…it kinda sucks. I am just ‘coming down’ off about two weeks of high speed, non-stop go go go.  And all I want to do is…nothing.

Except there is still crap that needs to get done. I just don’t want to do it. Any of it. I could be doing stuff right now, tonight. But instead I am vegging. 

Not good. 

Well, not bad either, I want to say that if I need it, I need it. But there is laundry to be done. And stuff. Yeah, pretty much laundry. And let’s be honest, laundry is pretty easy to do. 

But I am being obstinate. Today at least. Tomorrow? We’ll see…

Happy Valentine’s Day!

We aren’t really gift people…it isn’t our love language. Well, it could be but we don’t play it that way. But we do food. So this evening I made dinner for Iron Man.  He had some requests and I wanted some stuff too. Here’s what we ended up with.

It started with Iron Man going to get some a little something at the grocery store…

And then we cracked open the bottle of pineapple white wine his parents brought us back from Hawaii…

And then I cooked and then we ate!

Salad Course (that makes it sound all fancy but really we ate it with the main)

Salad composed of beets, watermelon, orange, feta, walnuts, cilantro, and a citrus dressing.

Main Dish

Lobster Mac and Cheese (care of Ina Garten/Barefoot Contessa)

Dessert

Chocolate Souffle – Iron Man’s request (care of Cooking Light)

It was all very yummy, completely unhealthy and I feel huge and bloated and completely lacking in any interest in going to hot yoga! But most of all…in love!

Maybe it wasn’t maintenance…

So this morning I woke up and weighed in at 151.4lbs. This is after 3 three-course dinners this week and a two-course dinner last night…and a lot of ice-cream sandwiches.

It occurred to me as well that I stopped taking birth control this past month. Oh. Yeah. So.

I am trying to look at the upside of this: I am losing weight without trying.

I am trying not to focus on the downside: I have been eating at (well, probably slightly above) maintenance and not gaining (and now losing?) weight…the thing is, this trend will not last forever. I need to figure this out quickly and get back on track because as quickly as this all started, it could also stop.  My body is clearly trying to readjust itself to life without daily hormones being forced on it…and while I am really happy that I am losing weight I also don’t want it to become a ‘carte blanche’ to eat whatever I want.

So back onto the healthy eating bandwagon it is for me.

So far, so good…today I have had a decent size bowl of granola with some vanilla yogurt (about 400 calories), a coffee (with some milk and sweetener – so lets say 100 calories), half a grapefruit (50 calories), and french onion soup with some extra cheese (250 calories) – so 800 calories…Not bad.   Unfortunately, because I am spending most of my day marking I have burned not even 1000 calories yet!  But deficit is deficit…and some hot yoga later today should help.

Maintenance…

No…not like car service maintenance. Weight maintenance.

When you lose weight it’s all nice and easy, you get a system down (counting calories, WW, whatever) and it (usually) just works, and the weight drops.  Sometimes slowly, other times quickly, now and then you hit a plateau, but it drops.

The other shoe drops when you try to move your way out of losing and into maintenance.

Let’s be honest, I didn’t get fat by accident. I got fat by eating. And not moving. Mostly eating though, as there have been many times over the last decade or so that I have been exercising at least 3 times a week and still gaining. That means I was over eating – by a lot.

So for the past while now I have been (somewhat inadvertently) not trying to lose weight. Or rather, my body has been fighting most of my attempts.  I mean, I know it’s mostly in my mind…I *think* I am hungrier than I am…but even my meaningful attempts to eat at a deficit have failed for the past few months.

What hasn’t failed is maintaining my weight loss. I have, for the most part, managed to maintain my weight loss within a few pounds. For the past week or so I haven’t weighed in because it was that time of the month and I had three occasions to eat out (3 course meals each time to boot!)…and so this morning I stood on the scale and…153.4lbs. That, ladies and gentlemen, is maintenance. And I love it.

So I have figured out that if I exercise 5-6 times a week and eat healthy most of the time, I can still eat out a bit while maintaining my weight. Awesome.

However, on February 22nd two huge things are going to happen that might help me start losing weight. Lent starts and I am giving up two things: all liquids save water, and no eating out at restaurants (or take out).  Those two things alone should help me lose about 10 pounds in 40 days! But til then, I am taking my maintenance and enjoying it! :)

Learning to love…

…coconut water (apparently it is good for me, especially after hot yoga).

…what it feels like to not have free time because I fill my free time with opportunities to exercise (Body Attack and hot yoga today – 3000 calories in a day ain’t bad)

…being okay with eating at maintenance and knowing that it doesn’t mean I can eat whatever I want but I can eat more of what I love.

…the reality that I may never hit my goals but I still love who I am.

Ruined.

On Thursday night all I could think about was how excited I was to go to hot yoga.

Then I walked into the change room. And there stood, amongst others, 4 13-year-old girls.  The ‘squeaky’ kind. I prayed they weren’t going to my class (notice, I said ‘my’ class – not the class I go to, ‘my’ class, I OWN it).

But in they walked – GIGGLING.  And then they laid the wrong way (even though twenty other people were laying the right way).  And then they proceed to crack each others backs and take photos of each other with their iPhones (fine, there was only one phone).

So before class started I was already pissed.

I presumed, erroneously, that my favourite yoga instructor, Kat, would be horrified by their presence, especially since she asked, as she always does, if anyone was new to yoga, and they replied no. Within a few minutes it became clear (with their first failed  ‘down dog’) that they had no idea what they were doing.

But no, Kat wasn’t just perfectly ‘zen’ about it, she actually seemed happy they were there. Especially when they totally played in to her requests for heavy exhaling ‘ahhhhhs’.

It totally ruined it for me. I hated almost every second of it. And what I hated the most was myself. Because I shouldn’t have cared if they were there. I shouldn’t have let it affect my practice. But it did. I spend 8 hours a day with people that age. When I go to hot yoga I want to get away from them. But still, they have as much right to be there as I do. I just had a crap attitude about it.

And so, I left, feeling like crap about my practice and about myself. :(

Aside

Reality Check.

I am over being sick. I don’t think sick is over me but I am over it.

So I am moving on. To hot yoga. Later tonight.

But until then…

Last January I started (fine, restarted) my ‘trek’ into a healthy lifestyle. I looked like this:

I weighed 181.8 lbs and I had over 30% body fat (I will guess around 33%).

I took pictures today and here is where I am now:

This morning I weighed 154 lbs and my last body fat check put me at 26.4% (that was only 1 lb lighter).

So, what does all of this mean?

Well, I am going of birth control tomorrow, today is my last pill. I don’t know if that is going to make it harder to lose the last 10lbs but it probably won’t make it easier!  I look at those pictures and I am happy of the progress I have made but I still see so many areas that aren’t where I want them to be.  Today marks the beginning of my Leigh Peele Transformation Challenge. I have 8 weeks to ‘transform’ my body. My most significant goals are to lose body fat and get down to about 25% and to see a visible loss of fat around my belly/hips/back fat area.

And then, I want to make a baby.  (Fine, not quite yet – but soon!).

Really?

I don’t know which is worse: sleeping horribly or waking up not feeling well and not knowing if it is because I didn’t sleep well or if I am still sick.

If I feel like this later today there will be no rinsing or cleansing. There will be sleeping and congested snoring.

I love my life. I love my life. I love my life. I love my life.

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